The unfortunate incedent of the vampire and the
by werewolves-like-baking
Summary: Edwad is out hunting and Alice had bought Bella some lingerie for Edward to enjoy when he comes home. What will happen when Bella gets stuck in it and Jacob is the only one home? Set after Breaking Dawn...


**Howdy! I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, I do have ideas I just have to find the time to write them! Now this is completely random and is set after Breaking Dawn! I just want to mention Rise and Whine as she is AMAZING and has offered to help me with "If Edward never returned..." oh and also thanks to Jacobmadeherhappy for the FIVE reviews did I mention FIVE?! Hey MIA!! P.S I don't know how old Nessie is in this!**

The unfortunate incident of the Vampire and the sexy lingerie.

_Bella's POV:_

Edward had insisted that he go on a hunting trip with Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle for a "boy's" weekend break. Apparently they have gone to Borneo to hunt some "fun" animals. Alice has been shopping again and has brought me something for when Edward comes back, it will _definitely_ come in useful! I have decided to try it on now because when she gave it to me she had a weird evil grin on her face- then left straight afterwards. I don't trust that evil pixie!

I opened the fancy bag that it was in and pulled out the equally fancy box. The box was dark auberginey colour with a satin lilac ribbon around it. I quickly undid this with vampire speed, lifted the lid and... WOW! The lingerie was beautiful, I may have to ask Edward _not_ to destroy it when he takes it off, I can't bear to destroy it! Although when I got it out of the bag I thought something was strange, it seemed just a little too small... Well, if Alice had brought it it'd got to fit perfectly, right?

_Three minutes later..._

Oh crap! It didn't fit and in fact it is extremely small! Like it would fit the tiny evil pixie! I didn't even know that they made this size, what size is it anyway... children's? This would so fit Renesmee! I just have to clam myself down and try to get out of this thing.

A lot harder than it sounds, I am officially stuck! I will just have to rip it... WHAT is this thing made of? Steel? No, must be some super-sonic material that not even vampire strength can break! I'll just have to ask for help then.

"Umm... hello? Is anyone there? Preferably a female someone?" I called out hopefully.

"Nope, sorry Bella! Just me! Everyone else is out, even Nessie!" It was Jacob, why did he have to be the only one home, why did he have to be the only one who could help me get this thing off? God that sounded wrong! I would even take Emmett helping me, the teasing would be less!

"Oh! Crap, doesn't matter then!" I was still the worst lier in the world even _with _my sheild!

"Bella, I can tell when you are lying!" He was outside the bedroom door, which was where I was, stuck and nearly naked. Well except for a few lacy and extremely tiny strips of fabric; this thing that I was stuck in was not the most conservative thing in the world! "What is it that you need my help with so desperately?"

Dang, he won't let me not tell him, I can tell!

"Umm, well I kinda got stuck in a sort of... present for Edward. You know for when he comes back from hunting..." I hope that satisfies him, and I don't have to actually explain!

"Wait! What? You got _stuck_ in a present for _Edward_? What how, that would only happen if it was clothes or something, and why would you be wearing clothes for Edward wouldn't he rather you _didn't_ wear- ohhhh!" There we go! Sometimes that werewolf can be slow!

"Umm, yeah! Unless you want to help me out of some rather revealing lingerie that I am stuck in then I think that you should go!" Please don't go, I really need to get out of this! But on the other hand, what if Jake holds this against me and keeps laughing at me forever! An eternity is a long time when someone is laughing at you!

"Well, now you put it like that..." He'd better be joking! " I can hear you shudder, with disgust or pleasure- I don't know! But, I was only joking nevertheless I will help you! After all what are son-in-laws for, eh?"

Okay, so I was going to get out of my lacy prison, but with the help of the guy who is in love with my daughter. Might be just a little bit awkward!

"Okay Jake, are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yep, pretty sure! You can't be stuck in there forever! Can you unlock the door or do I have to break it down?" Was he being serious? Was he saying that he would risk Esme's wrath just to help me get out of my slutty sex-underwear? Awww, Jake has to be the bestest best friend in the whole world!

"I think I need you to break it, my arms are kinda trapped! And... thanks Jake! You're, errm... the best friend I've ever had! And you don't even seem to be making fun of me!"

"I'm not- yet! And you're welcome, I try to be a good friend! I thought it might get awkward for you and me, you know since you became a vampire and I imprinted on Nessie. But, it's not, it's just exactly the same! Just without all of the pain and tension of before, now that I'm not _in_ love with you. But that doesn't mean that I don't still love you! I still love you, more than all of these others. And it still causes me pain to think of you in agony, whilst I couldn't do anything, whilst I just sat around having imprinted on the thing that'd caused all of this to happen. It sickened me! And I couldn't be mad at Edward because it was what you wanted and it was the only way to save you!"

"Aw, Jake I love you too! Now break down the door so you can get me out of this thing!"

"Okey-dokey! Are you decent?" He said jokingly.

"No, not particularly!" I said with a giggle.

Jake chuckled. Then shoved on the door, took one look at me an was on the floor in hysterics.

"Alright, enough! Please just get me out of this thing!!"

"WOW, Bella! You shape up well! If Nessie weren't the love of my life and you weren't her mom, Eddie would have some competition!"

"Shut it! Just get this off of me!"

"No, I'm not joking! You do look good, well you would if it wasn't so tight! Is this made for children or something?" My thoughts exactly. "I never knew that Edward liked things _this_ kinky! Well, I've heard you two going at it! Hell, we all have- it's just some people are a bit to preoccupied to notice- but I never imagined this!!"

"Haha very funny! Now can you please get on with the job in hand?"

"Yes ma'am!" He saluted me.

"Not funny!"

His hands were now busy trying to find a means of making the straight jacket any looser when he started singing that song "Stacey's mom" but replacing "Stacey" with "Renesmee".

"Jake" Still singing "_Jake_"

"Renesmee's mom, has got it going on, she's all I want! I've waited so long!"

"JAKE shut-it! And if you know what's best for you, you won't sing the next line!" I said this very menacingly.

"Okay, okay! I was just having a bit of fun!! Chill! Hahahaha not that you need to!" I am blessed with a comedic best friend- GREAT!

"Right okay Jake now that you've had your bit of fun can you please try to get me out of this thing before anyone comes back and sees you behind a half-naked me trying to get me out of this rather kinky lingerie that was meant for Edward to enjoy! I would never live it down." Oh the shame! Being helped out of my clothes- okay I know it's a loose interpretation of clothes or rather ,a tight one- by a werewolf!

"Fine I'll try to be a bit quicker then!" His voice sounded strange like he was struggling with something. " Oh, here we go I've got it!"

"Just don't rip- oh!"There was a big tearing noise and suddenly I was stood in the bedroom completely naked with a pile of lace at my feet.

I was frozen with shock, and so was Jacob for that matter. He was just staring straight ahead, at the doorway where as I turned around I saw a certain bronze haired vampire. CRAP!

"Umm... Edward i-i-it's not w-w-what it l-l-looks like!" Jacob stuttered, fear saturating his voice.

"Umm, Bella why are you naked?" Edward didn't seem even a little bit mad, maybe because he could hear Jacob's thoughts.

"Why don't you ask Alice, I can hear her laughing her evil head off downstairs!" I said venomously.

Suddenly Edward was shirtless and then his shirt was on me.

"Oh!"

"I just thought you wouldn't want Jake staring at your _naked _body, as beautiful as it is, for much longer." Edward said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Umm, yeah you're right! Well, I'm just going into the closet and kill myself as I will never live this down, if Emmett has any say in the matter!"

"Silly Bella, there are two reasons as to why your plan will not succeed. Number one: you can't kill yourself, being a vampire and all. And number two: I would never let you kill yourself, even if that was possible. Now go and put some clothes on!"

"Can I ask one thing of you?"

"Anything!"

"Kill Alice for me!" Alice stopped laughing immediately. Haha! Your cackles are numbered evil pixie!

**So what do you all think then, love it? Hate it? Any spelling complaints? Hope you enjoyed it! Should I carry on, if I should or shouldn't then I won't know unless you REVIEW! xxx **

**By the way the next line of Stacey's mom was "Stacey can't you see, you're just not the girl for me. Cuz I'm in love with Stacey's mom!" (video link on my profile).**


End file.
